What to do, what to do…

All my friends are super into things, and I wish I was super into something.

For example, my best friend is really into business and graphic designing, and she’s grasping all these really cool opportunities for herself. She’s now taking an Emily Carr program for the summer, designing apps and doing front end shit for programm-y stuff. She’s leading successful amateur businesses in university and is pursuing things to heighten her entrepreneurship.

Another friend got into the 99%ile of his lsat. He’s also really really into bugs. And carving stones.

And other friends– great programmers, nurses, journalists, artists… They’re all doing exceptional things suited for their amazing talents.

And here I am, hunched over, typing a blog post while waiting for the lecture to start, wondering what the relevance of this course even is to whatever I want to do in the future.
I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve been told countless times that there are a myriad of others who are in the “same boat” as me– clueless, jobless, having their degrees sit in the dust somewhere. “Come on, Aileen! you’re still young. You’ve got time. you’re so good at writing, at drawing! Do something with it!”

But it doesn’t make me feel better, nor does it open doors for me. I’m stuck with a couple of mediocre skills that can’t be deemed talents. In the end, it isn’t “our” future– it’s only mine. It’s so scary knowing I have the capacity to take control of my life, and yet have no tools to do so. I lack ambition. I don’t know what I have a knack for, nor do I have something I particularly desire to acquire. In the end, though there are others who struggle with the same lack of motivation and aspiration…

I am still very much alone.

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