My friend was walking me to my bus stop today. We began to talk about currently being high school seniors– the excitement, the relief, the anxiety, and all the lovely bundles of overwhelming emotions one naturally feels about leaving a huge part of your life behind (or more so, having that life leave you). We’re barely dipping our toes into the ocean that is “adulthood”, an age of eighteen, but we still create subtle ripples in the waters. And that’s a frightening thought. We’re almost there. Finally. Already?
We began to think of our elementary school graduation, grade seven. Five years ago? It seems so unfathomable to us, that five years said aloud could sound like forever ago, but truthfully, those five years came and went so quickly.
I told my friend that when I was twelve, I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I knew I was more mature than my peers, and that made me set myself on a higher pedestal. I was set for high school, confident in all my values, that I would surely carry “all the knowledge” I had acquired over those twelve years within my entire life span.
I was so wrong. I have grown and learned so much these past five years; I’m curious and afraid of what the next five years will be like. I am wiser to know that I will definitely change– that every second I am already a different person. But what I will be like five years from now, how much I will attain, what I will learn and know… I can guess, but there will always be folds of awareness and learning and wisdom nameless to me.
Kind of like butterflies? Butterflies are totally cool. Aside from being pretty and all, they can see a range ultraviolet colours completely invisible to humans– colours that we simply cannot fathom because this vivid world that they see is just purely unknown to us. We’ve never seen it, and our minds cannot invent familiarity out of nothingness.
And I think that relates to me right now, and for the rest of my life– I can guess, and I may know the material that develops through ageing, but I’ll never actually know exactly what is it until it hits me. There are folds of life, of my life, that I don’t know exist, and I that cannot grasp.
I look back now, thinking how stupid I was five years ago: my idea of humour, the way I dressed and carried myself, and how much sense the decisions I made seemed to be. I think of now, and the future, and how I will look back at the conversation I had with my friend on 57th avenue, and how I might look back and think the same thoughts. Will I look back and think of how idiotic I am now, five years from now? A lot of things can happen in that span of time. In any span of time. I don’t know. Time keeps going and I can’t stop it.
I’m still very young. Adulthood is an age, it’s a concept, but that doesn’t phase me at all. I’m just very anxious, and very excited about what I will be like– what my life will be like…
What colours I’ll see then that I could never see nor fathom before.