Sudden, but not unexpected

Things have taken a sudden turn, but not quite unexpectedly.
The new medication I have been taking, I believe, has nudged my mood upwards. Obviously, the change isn’t a drastic, rocketing burst of great euphoria, and realistically, I can’t demand that. Nevertheless, the nuances of my feelings, the subtle shift in the way I interact, react, and process thoughts have brightened slightly, and I am ever so grateful.
Still, things have taken a sudden turn. While last week was a pleasant, long-overdue cruise, my weekend took a painful plummet and I am still battling the horrible after-taste of it all. It wasn’t a terrible blow to the head, but more of a sinking, seducing descent into darkness.
Depression is a horrible thing. It obscures time, memories, and warps hope into a whirling film roll of suicidal thoughts, agonizing feelings, emotional and mental and physical pain, and everything and anything you thought were bulletproof and could not be hurt, shattered. I caught myself sitting, knees in the crooks of my arm, just watching wet clothes turn and turn in the laundry. Just turning. I watched, but I didn’t see. It was dark, I had woken up early to do chores, to keep myself busy and distance myself from my depression. And yet, a stealthy sadness latched onto me. A daze, I was in, just watching the laundry spin. I snapped out of it, confused. Time had passed unknowingly, and the feelings once numb began to sting, and I wished in the moment that I was still oblivious and caught in the cycle of the clothes.
I am still struggling, I am still clinging onto the hope that things will take a turn for the better.
I am still, I am still, I am still.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s